People hear about the imminent danger of the impending Zombie Apocalypse and they cannot but laugh or roll their eyes. A girl I once knew even had the audacity to ask me, "Sam, you sexy badass with a heart of gold, why are you so obsessed with zombies?" I ask in reply, "Why are you so fucking obsessed with the original zombie?" People always seem to forget we have already had one zombie threat in our past, we are just lucky Jehovah summoned the first one up to Heaven before he had time to do any damage. I am sure you realize I am speaking of the one and only Patient Zero, Jesus of Nazareth.
Now I ask you in earnest, what is keeping your God from sending Rapture upon Earth in the form of the Zombie Apocalypse we all know is destined to happen? My friend Kevin and I have asked this question to multiple followers of the flock and seem to get the same exasperated answer. They always seem to think that zombies are not biblical and thus not possible. I just have this to say: God works in mysterious ways you pompous bitches. Who are you to rule out a way God, in his infinite wisdom, might choose to end his failed experiment of mankind? He flooded the world once with water; this time he will choose to flood it with zombies.
I just can't get over the fact that people say it is impossible to understand God and his infinite compassion, but at the same time buy into the bullshit text spelling out his multiple sins and refusing to believe he could ever do anything unpredictable. Let's just all agree that any self-respecting god would give us a badass finish to our existence here on Earth, and that finish must be the Zombie Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, I plan on defying this so called God and surviving his Zombie Apocalypse, I hope I will have some of you rebels with me at the last stand.
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4 comments:
To assume that God wouldn't send zombies is an arrogant assumption about His plan. God can do whatever he wants. If he gets bored with a zombieless world, snap dah fingers. we're f'd. If he's feeling particularly assholey, Rage.
noice
Question: would you begin to believe in a god if you were granted the opportunity to live out your last years on this Earth, in an apparent Rapture, killing hordes of zombies? On one level there is the "dammit God why the fuck did you ruin the world as I know it?" or "Okay, this just happened, now I to commence operation z-pwnage." That would almost be something to be grateful for, one last hurrah. To hell with whithering away in an old folks home, being ignored by your loved ones waiting for you to die for inheritance. FUCK THAT! We want to die covered in blood, on a mountain of zombie heads, fighting every last one of those bastards till our muscles quite and or we collapse due to exhaustion from just fucking up so many undead.
I posit that you would believe in a god then, a loving, understanding god. If only...
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