On the Elimination of Language

It has recently been brought to my attention that is it possible for people to take offense when words are said by other people in close vicinities. It is the fault of what we shall be calling "exclusive language." Let's look at an example.

"Those girls are lame."

Oh, where to begin you must be wondering, for the previously uttered phrase is dripping with poison, as you can surely perceive. Let us begin with the sinful word "lame." While the word currently carries almost no remnants of it's previous meaning, it once was synonymous for someone who had no ability to walk. So it is quite clear that any person without fully functionally legs will take offense or anyone who has known such a person. A slightly less noticeable problem with our sentence in question is the world "girls." You see children, some "women" find the word "girls" offensive because it makes them seem young. Thousands of dollars spent on cremes and surgeries to make them look young and they just might take offense by such a ghastly word. So perhaps we should try to reword the sentence.

"Those females are not cool."

At first glance you might think we have fixed things. But alas!I feel the phrase "not cool" is derogatory and exclusive to those who experience hot flashes or people who live in a warm climate. And don't forget that females is exclusive of males, transgenders and various other gender/sexes.

I think we should get rid of language all together because it is so fucking exclusive.

Stimulating Section Seeking Solace

People hear about the imminent danger of the impending Zombie Apocalypse and they cannot but laugh or roll their eyes. A girl I once knew even had the audacity to ask me, "Sam, you sexy badass with a heart of gold, why are you so obsessed with zombies?" I ask in reply, "Why are you so fucking obsessed with the original zombie?" People always seem to forget we have already had one zombie threat in our past, we are just lucky Jehovah summoned the first one up to Heaven before he had time to do any damage. I am sure you realize I am speaking of the one and only Patient Zero, Jesus of Nazareth.

Now I ask you in earnest, what is keeping your God from sending Rapture upon Earth in the form of the Zombie Apocalypse we all know is destined to happen? My friend Kevin and I have asked this question to multiple followers of the flock and seem to get the same exasperated answer. They always seem to think that zombies are not biblical and thus not possible. I just have this to say: God works in mysterious ways you pompous bitches. Who are you to rule out a way God, in his infinite wisdom, might choose to end his failed experiment of mankind? He flooded the world once with water; this time he will choose to flood it with zombies.

I just can't get over the fact that people say it is impossible to understand God and his infinite compassion, but at the same time buy into the bullshit text spelling out his multiple sins and refusing to believe he could ever do anything unpredictable. Let's just all agree that any self-respecting god would give us a badass finish to our existence here on Earth, and that finish must be the Zombie Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, I plan on defying this so called God and surviving his Zombie Apocalypse, I hope I will have some of you rebels with me at the last stand.