God Doesn't Exist

If "He" did, he wouldn't have let those bastard ants eat all my delicious brownies.

Jesus Crab Battling Christ.

In other news, I recently returned from a camping excursion with my good friends Kevin and Brandon. In case you were wondering, I am the god of fire. I am so great that I worship myself. I held a meeting for all the best gods while I was there but I was the only one allowed to attend. Jehovah wanted to attend I think, but he was a little embarrassed that I has surpassed him in every respect so I just spent the time telling myself stories about my greatness.

I should have set fire to those ants...

Pwning Noobs and Loving Tunes

I started playing Counter-Strike again recently. Although, contrary to my very misleading blog title, I am god awful at it. I keep playing alongside Mr. Erikson and becoming quite overshadowed. He tends to have records like 4 kills to 1 death or better ratio while I'm just about the inverse. It's a very sad thing to see my character's head get blown off so frequently (which is what she said?). It's actually a little insulting to my name on the game actually (which is Ender). I am shaming such a perfect soldier's name unfortunately.

I very much love music my friends. It has quite a power over me. Good music of most genres can force me to experience the whole gambit of emotions (except sadness, I have no soul). The reason I mention this is because I am listening to some of that music I downloaded from that website mentioned in my previous post, and I just want to go out into the world and decapitate some zombies or overthrow a tyrannical futuristic government. Speaking of music, in general, I think all fist pumping looks ridiculous. People throwing their hands at the air typically look as stupid as people standing up in church and assuming the crucifixion position. The only time I can empathize with these people is when I listen to Tool. That wondrous sound has the power to make me want to fight someone. Mind you when I say fight someone, I don't mean in a Fight Club sense. I mean in a wildly unbalanced Sam gets to pulverize someone sense.

I think it should be shared that I woke up in one of the best moods I have ever been in today. After I woke up, I spent an extra hour in bed going in and out of sleep. Once I actually got up it was raining outside and very pretty to hear and see. My parents were playing some music over the house speakers and everything just seemed very awesome. Oh, best part: my favorite cereal. Game set and match.

Netflix, You Bastard

Among the thousands upon thousands of stupid movies I have at my fingertips with this service, I only care about seeing one right now. For the love of God, I just want to watch Jason Bourne go out into Russia and kick some ass without his memory. I don't think it is too much to ask of you, oh Netflix God. I put it at the top of the list for two weeks, but what do I get in return? A fucking romantic drama with Tom Cruise and a ridiculous medieval tale with Sean Connery. Frick man. If I don't get the ass kicking movie of awesomeness by the time I go to school I am going to go nuts. Unforgivable.

On a happier note, I found a website with a plethora of video game song remixes that makes me very happy. I can finally hear trance versions of all my favorite 32 bit songs!

On a fashion note, today I am wearing a t-shirt and jeans. I thought it was an interesting mix that most people don't seem to try. It's both comfortable and amazingly pleasing to the eye. If I wasn't myself, I would be hitting on me right now. I just might make a habit out of similar outfits as this. Maybe I'll try a black t-shirt with blue jeans once...hmmmm

Don't forget to stock your house with plenty of non-perishable foods and extra water for when the zombies strike. You don' want to resort to eating your friends and family, then you would be no better than zombies. I mean, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?

I Know You May Roll Your Eyes at This, but I'm So Glad That You Exist

The way the world works always amazes me. As a product of middle-class America, my life has always been excessively easy, but it's not really the luxuries of stereotypical life that I'm getting at. What I am talking about it the seemingly small and insignificant events and decisions that can have such an amazing impact on your life. It's a little difficult to express, so allow me to present you, dear reader, with an example.

You go into your elective class (let's say it is political science) and you decide to sit in the back for no reason other than that you feel like doodling. The class fills up around you while you draw small pictures of God knows what, perhaps you are drawing your teacher in funny hats. At the end of class the girl next to you confesses she has been watching you the entire time and thought your drawings were hilarious. You talk the entire way back to the commons and eventually exchange phone numbers or facebooks or whatever you hip kids do now. Now, all of the sudden, you are looking at a life with a possible significant other, just because you sat in a certain chair and decided to draw. You would have most likely never noticed each other without that exact series of events.

Or, do you ever think about crazy things that might save your life? Pretend you decide one day that you want to drive to the beach but cancel at the last minute for no reason in particular other than you just stopped feeling like you should. There is no way to prove it at all, but it's possible that if you had driven to the beach that day you would have crashed.

I dunno, it just seems to me that there are a hell of a lot of things that could always be going wrong, but aren't. And sometimes they even go exactly the way you want them to. I know the world wouldn't really work any other way, but I am just glad that this is how it happens. Life in general makes me happy.

The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for.

The End is Extremely Fucking Nigh: Cillian Murphy's Penis

Quite a sight I can wholeheartedly assure you. Did you know the first rage zombie was a woman? Just another example of women being the cause of the end of the world. First Eve and now this. Unforgivable.

On a more serious note though, you want to know the sexiest thing in a woman? The knowledge and healthy fear of zombies. Nothing makes me want to spend the rest of my life with a woman than knowing that she can be an effective asset in surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. A message to all you men out there reading this: if a girl has plans to deal with zombies, you hold onto her, she's a freaking keeper. Remember, World War Z is not a joke. We need to be ready my brothers and my sisters! Humanity will prevail!

Anyway, I fear I have been using this blog too much to talk about zombies. Well, I suppose "too much" isn't the right phrase; you can never been "too" prepared. I'm sure you guys can plan your own survival without me talking about it all the time.

In other news, I've seen two movies recently: Superbad and 1408. 1408 was actually a bit better than I anticipated, had some fun cheesy parts and some fairly surprising pop-out scenes. Superbad was downright fucking hilarious. I can't remember a movie that funny. Aside from the cops in the movie, it was actually really true to typical people you meet every day. I swear I have had some of the same conversations as the people in that movie. Don't you just wish girls wanted to see our erections like we want to see their nipples? That's a world I hope to live in one day.

And one last thing to end our rousing day of blogging. Today I was in In N Out with my buddies and pals. This little crazy girl is running around the almost empty place squealing and shit when suddenly she jumps onto one of the red chairs. I wasn't paying close attention because of my delicious plain double double but I started to hear some commotion from her family. I look over to see a puddle on the chair appear. It would seem that the girl hadn't been properly trained and pissed all over the chair. The family gets all weird and gets up. Her mom comes over with some napkins and soaks up the urine then the family books it without telling anyone. I felt like I should probably tell someone so that they could properly clean it, but before I managed some new teenage girl comes and sit in that exact chair. At least twenty open seats and she manages to choose that one. Needless to say I said nothing. I couldn't bring myself to tell the poor girl she had sat in piss.

And on that note I leave you all. Don't forget to pick a place to meet the other people you care about once the Zombie Apocalypse happens.

Zombie Preparation

In the event of the Zombie Apocalypse, what weapon do you grab from your house (at least to tide you over until you get to a sword/gun store)?

If you couldn’t answer that question within fifteen seconds, I’m sorry, but the zombies got you. The primary reason for zombification is unpreparedness. Don’t worry though, I am here to help you my friends. Step away from the comfortable glow of your computer screen and return to reality for a moment. What weapon are you going to grab? The zombies are smashing in your windows and groaning loudly. You only have a moment.

Do you grab your guitar? Maybe, if it is a last resort. Even then though, not a good idea.

Do you grab a golf club? Maybe, if you are fucking kidding me. If you grabbed a golf club you get to watch it bend over the head of a zombie right before he tears out your jugular vein.

Do you grab a butcher knife? Sure, if you don’t mind getting within a foot of gnashing zombie teeth.

Here’s what you need to do. Look inside your garage or tool shed. Most likely your best bet will be there. A sharp enough shovel could decapitate the walking dead and you could always use it to bash in their demonic heads. My weapon of choice though, would be my lawn edger. It is about five feet long and it has a significant amount of weight at the end. It is sharp and it is sturdy. I have a stabbing and a swinging attack available to me. In all honesty, it would do me better than a gun, even if I had one.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that you guys need to pick your zombie weapon carefully; put some thought into it! Once you decide on one or two, always remember where they are and remember to be ready to get to them in the blink of an eye.

Good luck surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. I hope to see you in the sanctuary.